At my shop, you will find the following:
1. Sexy shoes that are comfortable even when you’re standing.
2. Dresses with sleeves long enough to cover misbegotten tattoos.
3. A handbag that automatically changes colors, depending on your outfit.
4. No thong whose crotch consists of a string of pearls.
5. Sweaters that are long enough to conceal a VPL so you don’t have to wear a damn thong every damn day.
6. High-necked blouses to cover that thing you’ve developed that makes you look like a turkey.
7. Scarves. (See #6)
8. No bathing suits. I will not subject clients to trying them on. Go to Bloomingdale’s for that torture.
9. Panti-hose, whatever brand Beyonce wears.
10. Bras that invite your breasts to face front instead of down.
11. Pants with a waistline that covers your Caesarian scar by at least two inches.
12. Skirts that are constructed to prevent underwear exposure in a brisk wind, but are not so tight they reveal your muffin top.
13. Coats that are warm but don’t make you look like the Madison Avenue bus.
All mirrors are inside the dressing rooms, not outside in plain view of critics. Lighting will be low and rosy. Alcoholic beverages will be available, free of charge for those who have just been trying on bathing suits at Bloomingdale’s. Family members who accompany shoppers will be sent to Starbuck’s if they utter any discouraging words.
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